orange to blue

Ketchup and French Fries

I know! I’ve been meaning to write. I miss you and getting to tell you random things, like how things went with spud. I keep thinking it is like a virus and every time I build up an immunity.  but then again, he is also the person I fall back to, i try not to, but there is just not too many other people that are single and have the random hours and of whom I have so much history with that would not require significant catch up. Know what I mean?

Well, I should start at more of a beginning. Yes, I’ve been meaning to write on this, it’s good to log my thoughts, but I’m eternally logged into an alternative “academic” account to work on my writing skills that I was just too lazy to log out and log back in as an alternative avatar. sometimes, it doesn’t take a very high activation energy to get me to not do something. thus also why I have so many job apps and yet not very many done. *actually I should be working on one now. sigh, but a quick post is needed now that I have discovered incognito.

I know I have written this before, but I seem to meet boys when I am in a new place. Which makes sense, maybe I am much more social when I am on a trip, but then these “flings” don’t go anywhere. I go home. flirt a bit virtually. but then I think to myself, ok? what does that mean? I try to cut it off, but then he’ll just come right back to talking to me. Part of me thinks that this is ok because there is a significant amount of uncertainty in my near future and so why get myself into a mess of a relationship.

On the other hand I am getting OLDER!

I am about to finish with a degree I have no idea if it will be useful, but  at the same time in my head: I have to have it.  I have learned a lot, but at the same time I feel I have not learned enough. I have discovered how much more I do not know. which drives me a bit crazy.

So I agree with the job market thing. I miss dearly the rain. I think I miss that coast in general.

oh! a bit off topic. and so when I do not feel like talking to my virtual far away person. I end up talking to spud. when I know better not to. I fear that I am leading him on, but then again, he should know that it is just cuz we have so much history. I try to make that clear. but then sometimes the conversation goes to if things were different and I don’t know what to say or how to return the convo to be: “well, things are not different”.  And in a way, I am glad that things are the way they are. But also going back to the I’M GETTING OLDER issue.

maybe I’d be more settled. Less worried about what am I going to do? when I go do that thing, will there be someone willing to deal with my crazy? i mean, i did just spend 5 yrs of my life stressed and huffing cancer? but I make excellent chocolate cupcakes. i’ll put that out there.

alright, post getting a bit long. but just a spew of thoughts. not quite a catch up. thus just ketchup and some fried potatoes.